I’ve struggled. I’m not afraid to admit that today was just too much for me.
Every day is overwhelming since lockdown. The fear of things never returning to any kind of normality is in my mind constantly. However, today was different. I’m not sure what has triggered it, but I have felt out of control.
I’ve not been sleeping very well. Sleep talking is something I do more when I’m stressed or anxious. And I’ve definitely been both of those. And I’ve certainly been sleep talking too. Not only do I wake myself but also my partner and sometimes my daughters.
Time too is causing me problems. There never seems to be quite enough of it. I have great intentions, but I never quite meet my own expectations. Procrastination is usually a favourite thing of mine to do, but I don’t even have time for that these days!
I shouted today. My eldest decided she didn’t want to take part in the class soon session. I had rescheduled a private tuition session to accommodate her homeschooling obligations. I felt I’d given something to her and she’d taken it, but there was no giving anything back. It sounds really petty writing it down. I blew it out of all proportion. I suppose it was the final straw.
We sobbed together, hugging on the bed. I apologised and told her I love her. She did the same. And I felt awful. I hate being a shouty parent. I’d reached my threshold. She wasn’t to know that. I messed up. I’m not a perfect parent and never pretend to be.
So… today has been crap for a number of reasons. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I get trampled on because of it. Today, I messed up with my parenting. I’m not proud of it, but I am proud that I have brought up two amazing daughters who both understand that Mummy makes mistakes too.
Unfortunately, my annoyance at myself has meant that my dermatillomania is currently out if control. The skin on my face and scalp is suffering.
Current mood: sad, disappointed and frustrated