07.02.11

The date I have chosen for the title of this blog is one etched in my mind forever.

When I found out I was pregnant after trying for almost two years, I was overjoyed. I couldn’t quite believe it was finally happening to me, to us. When I had my appointment at the doctors, I was given the date above as my due date. It was the same as I had calculated it too. 

Unfortunately, just a few weeks later, despite my mind wondering if I was having some girl symptoms, I suffered a small bleed. I’ve blogged about my journey of the missed miscarriage actually being a complete molar pregnancy and the chemotherapy I endured as a result. 

My pregnancy would never have been a viable one. It was not a pregnancy compatible with life given the problem at conception with the sperm fertilising an empty egg. However, in my mind, as soon as I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test strip, I had almost celebrated this ninth birthday party in my mind. I had seen milestones come and go. It’s amazing what the mind is capable of – truly fascinating. 

So Friday saw me emotionally fragile as well as physically unwell. The combination was not a good one and I really struggled to function. 

The date is one that I will remember forever, but no one else really does. As such, it was really tough for me. I needed someone to tell me that this is normal to wonder “what if…?” and that still grieving all these years later is perfectly natural. Unfortunately, I didn’t receive those much-needed messages… so, for those of you who need to hear this right now, baby or pregnancy loss grief is not necessarily linear. There is nothing normal or abnormal when it comes to this somewhat taboo subject – everyone comes differently. The pain does ease, but can return at any moment and hit you. Whether you are expecting it or not, it can still floor you, cause you to crumble, to break down. 

How did I cope? I knew I would get by. I always go. Hugging my two daughters and showing them how precious they are to me was my pain relief. Without experiencing what I did, I might not have those girls, so there is some gratitude hiding amongst the upset.