It can be incredibly challenging to deal with an angry child. Their behaviour can be unpredictable, and they might lash out at anyone who tries to help them.
As a parent or caregiver, it’s essential to understand that your child’s anger is a normal emotion. However, it’s crucial to manage it effectively to avoid any unwanted consequences. In this article, we’ll provide you with some tips on how to handle your child’s anger without getting angry yourself.
As adults, we can often be guilty of expecting too much from our children. Once they are able to speak in coherent sentences, it is as though they suddenly have all the knowledge and experience of an adult. Of course, it is unreasonable to assume so, but we often will forget especially if our children sound so wise and are intelligent in other ways. Remembering that our children’s behaviour is usually a form of communication can help. For instance, you wouldn’t act angrily towards a baby for crying when they are expressing hunger or pain, would you?
Understanding Your Child’s Anger
The first step in dealing with an angry child is to understand why they’re angry. What are they trying to convey to you? Anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It’s often a response to frustration, disappointment or simply feeling out of control. This could be linked to anything from not being allowed to choose an outfit or something much greater, such as parents divorcing.
Children, just like many of us adults, need to learn how to manage their anger effectively. However, it’s important to remember that children might not know how to express their feelings in a healthy way. As a caregiver, it’s your job to help them learn how to manage their emotions. They will also do lots of work on this in school, which is why reading the information they send home about PSHE lessons, for example, is so important. Using the same language at both home and school can be beneficial.
Remain Calm
It’s essential to remain calm when dealing with a tantrum. Getting angry or frustrated yourself will only escalate the situation. If you lose your temper, your child will mirror your behaviour and become even angrier. Instead, take a deep breath and try to remain calm. Speak in a soft, soothing voice and avoid using a harsh tone. Your child needs to feel safe and supported, even when they’re angry. If you are unable to do so, this does not make you a bad person. Take yourself off for a few minutes to relax or swap with someone else who can help.
Validate Their Feelings
One of the most important things you can do when dealing with an angry child is to validate their feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to feel angry and that you understand why they’re upset. Use phrases like, “I can see that you’re feeling angry right now, and that’s okay.” or “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt others.” Validating your child’s feelings will help them feel heard and understood. However, they might not hear it in the heat of the moment, so tread carefully. Some children respond better after the event, whereas others cope ok with an adult intervening.
Set Boundaries
While it’s essential to validate your child’s feelings, it’s also vital to set boundaries. Let them know that it’s not okay to hurt others or damage property. Establishing boundaries will help your child understand that their behaviour has consequences. It’s important to be consistent with your boundaries and follow through with any consequences you’ve established, but be sure that these are proportionate. Don’t threaten something that there is no way you would carry it out, like cancelling a family holiday or grounding them for a whole year.
Offer Solutions
When your child is feeling angry, offer them some solutions to help them manage their emotions. Teach them some deep breathing exercises or encourage them to take a break and go for a walk. If your child is feeling frustrated with a task, offer to help them or break the task down into smaller steps. Offering solutions will help your child feel empowered and in control of their emotions. While some children will be able to accept support during a crisis, others need to be spoken to and supported before it happens. Discuss ways in which they can calm down rather than exploding. Using the bottle of fizzy pop analogy can be helpful.
Prevention Rather Than Cure
It can be easy to assume that anger only happens when we see it. Of course, from the previously mentioned fizzy pop analogy and from our own experiences of getting het up about things, it is far from being true. However, if we focus on preventing anger (I am NOT saying it shouldn’t be an emotion that is felt, but lessening the amount of time we are in an angry state will be hugely beneficial), this will certainly help. Why not try doing things as a family that will help such as family fitness or round robins, chatting about our days at the dining table? Little things can be a significant difference.
Seek Professional Help
If your child’s anger is persistent and severe, it might be time to seek professional help. A therapist or counsellor can help your child learn coping strategies to manage their anger effectively. They can also help you, as a caregiver, understand how to support your child’s emotional growth. However, I’d advise that, as a first step, you speak to your child’s school or nursery SENDCo. If none of these behaviours are displayed at school, your child likely masks and keeps everything inside, which is why they explode when they feel most comfortable – at home and with people who love them.
Dealing with an angry child is a really draining thing to do, and anger can easily creep in for the parents and carers, too. However, there are strategies that can help, as detailed above. Hopefully you find something that works for you and your child.
